I hate brushing teeth. My teeth. The dog’s teeth (when I had one). But more than anything else, I hate brushing Sophie’s teeth.

At 14 months, she had all her teeth. She’s 21 months now and she eats everything in sight and she hates it when I put her in our new Fisher-Price Rain Forest Straight Jacket when I try to keep her from flailing about as I scrub her little chompers with a $10 Baby’s First Electric Toothbrush (and Teeth Whitening Set). It doesn’t really do anything to help in the brushing process. Basically it vibrates– just like that lame Schick Razor from a couple of years ago. The one with the forty dollar refill blades.

Perhaps I should go old school and utilize the method that worked best for my parents– 300 grit sand paper. Sure her gums may bleed for a few minutes. Sure she may loose more enamel than little flecks of black pepper and kernels of corn, but how else am I going to control the tartar?

Right now all she’s getting out of this endeavor is a quick sugar high thanks to approximately 1.5oz of a Splenda-rich, Fluoride-free toothpaste with Elmo’s red furry frame plastered on the front. Thank God she crashes hard and quick, giving me and her mother a good ten to eleven hours worth of uninterrupted sleep every night. Can you imagine how long she’d be out if we dipped her toothbrush in some kid’s cough syrup before we attempted this nightly ritual? Amy and I could go to Hawaii for a long weekend and not even worry about hiring a sitter.

Now that’s cross-promotion: Get $300 off your next flight to Hawaii whenever you buy a case of Baby Elmo Teeth Sugaring Jell and a case of Little Tyke’s First Robo Overdose.